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just tired of the shit

Posted on 2005.10.04 at 02:54
Current Mood: aggravatedaggravated
again i find myself bitching about work... my overnite job is soooo full of coniving old bitties..now 3 different techs are applying to be supervisor and 2 others have quit because they dont want to work for one in particular... its a mess.. the whole weekend dayshift is totally empty.. as far as my preferences go theres only one that i wont work under and its becoming unbearable to work with her at all... and the old man on my shift is just getting nuttier and nuttier... i swear if this was any other job he'd have been fired a long time ago... he cant remember shit half the time... he leaves doors open .. leaves keys lying around... repeats his rants over and over again ad nauseum..i dont know its just really getting bad over the last week ive cut 4 times...

ive been trying to keep up with it but its hard to do..im still trying to figure out a way to make a calendar to put up here... everytime i think i have it figured out the type shifts and its all screwed up... just pisses me off.. seems that ive been pissed quite a bit lately... if im not mad im crying over the stupidest things..songs, commercials, tv shows...sheesh..

never trust a pulic puter

Posted on 2005.09.30 at 09:31
Current Mood: annoyedannoyed
damn it to hell and back... i just typed up two full screens here and the damn puter locked up so i lost it all.. im gonna try and remember it all again ...

i went to the new pdoc and amazingly enough shes alright... she wants me to let her to know if she does or doesnt do something i want her to.. and she even asked me if i thought stopping the SI was a good idea since i havent dealt with the issues of why i do it.. i agreed and told her thats why im back in therapy to deal with the stuff and hopefully be able to stop..

i stopped by my rehab job this morning to pick up my check and in the few minutes i was there the cattiness reared its ugly head once again.. one tech talking about the other and both talking someone else...i also found out the current supervisor is quitting and shes one of the few i can tolerate being around.. i mean shes really laid-back and even while enforcing the rules shes not a bitch about it.. but wouldnt you know it the other techs even complain about that ... i mean what more can you ask for than a boss who actually listens to you ? ..

i did end up using my blade on wed nite ... i didnt go that deep and it wasnt anything severe.. but i already feel the tension building again.. it seems to be only soothed by the sting of steel the site of red the sigh of relief afterwards... that maybe because i called my mother last nite.. shes a great influence on the mood (insert sarcasm here).. she has absolutely no response to anything i ask her except for "fine".. and if i try to engage in some kind of conversation based on my feelings or whats happening to me all i get is "ok i have to go now"... i know i dont deserve much in life but i thought mothers were sposed to give even when it wasnt deserved... and thats where i made my mistake.. thinking that anything in my family would even be approaching normal .. stupid me..

im gonna put up a calendar of si here for my own reference... cause alot of times i dont remember and there are so many places now that i cant tell the old from the new...

by the way it really sucks when all you type just disappears because your on a public puter...

and on to number two

Posted on 2005.09.29 at 01:36
Current Mood: cynicalcynical
back again... i just have to let this one out so bear with me ... i have 2 full-time jobs.. now i take full responsibility for incurring the bills that require me to carry such a load and actually enjoy both jobs... what i have is huge issues with are my co-workers..ugh!!!

my 12-8:30am job is at a womens rehab... pretty laid back not alot to do and where i get to play online for awhile before digging into the actual work... problem is that i have to listen to a bunch of catty jealous petty ignorant and just plain stupid sometimes women talk about any and everything... from the clients who get pissed about losing smoke breaks for being late to groups all the way down to the other techs getting bitchy about the way another tech does their job... why the fuck does it matter how they do it as long as its getting done on time ... i just dont get why ppl have to make this world so fucking complicated...the person i work with the most is a 63yo man who thinks he knows everything and noone else can possibly be as smart as him ... odd thing is hes also a firm believer in every govt conspiracy theory ever heard of ... things like.. the russians are intensifying our hurricanes with lasers from outer space... just ridiculous stuff like that.. personally my opinion of the outside world is that if it has no direct connection with me or my loved ones then i really dont give a shit... yeah i know not very enlightened of me.. so the fuck what!!!

point is ive got so much other shit running around in my head i just dont feel the need to be a part of the shit-slinging that happens so much around here.. on the other hand i do like the job and the freedom it allows me i just dont know that i can keep tolerating it without just screaming at them when they start..

another thing bothering me is that i have that pdoc appt tomorrow afternoon.. this is really amping me up and im pretty sure what will happen later on before i end up going .. i mean ill have to calm down somehow and get ahold of myself...its just my skin has been itching soooo much lately its just so tight and i really want to cut need to feel the blade sink in the soft flesh see the crimson rush to the surface and spill over the borders of a precise separation .. to feel the calmness wash over me .. god thats so far away from what im feeling right now ...

just the beginning

Posted on 2005.09.27 at 02:31
Current Mood: blankblank
alright first off im sure not too many ppl will read this so im just gonna type what i want to get off my chest... for today thats just some random thoughts...

im way too old to be cutting still.. this is supposed to be something that a teenager does and youre sposed to grow out of it but im 31 and still doing it have been since i was 13.. oh ive stopped even for up to 3 yrs at a time but something will happen and ill start thinking about the blood the pain the feeling of the blade and eventually the thoughts just become too much to handle and i just give in ... thats cause im pathetic... at least thats the latest thing ive carved into my thigh.. thats the other thing.. i only carve my thighs now .. when i was younger it was my arms hands legs anywhere i could get to really.. but as i got older and realized that it could get me in trouble or worse alienated even more by the general public i started only doing it where i could hide it...and most of the books ive read about cutting discuss how at least the majority of cutters have been abused mostly sexually.. i never have been... i was date raped i guess you could say when i was teenager but i was always drunk and high and just kinda came to while it was already happening.. and besides i had already been cutting for 2 yrs when that happened... i just dont understand why i still do it .. i mean i know its cause i want to and im just not able to utilize other coping skills even though im aware of more that a few...but ive been in and out of doctors psychs counselors and hospitals for almost 20 yrs now and im beginning to think that ill never stop.. sometimes to be honest i dont really think i want to ...

i have an appt to see a pdoc this thursday and im kind of anxious about it... sposedly she specializes in si but the last counselor i had said the specialized in borderline behavior and she immediately whipped out the no-harm agreement and chastised me when i admitted to cutting without following it.. now im way to old to be chastised like a 2 yr old and dont look too kindly on it.. and i had told her when she made me sign it that it was just a piece of paper anyways... i only signed it so she'd keep seeing me....this new one is sposed to be better than that but we'll see... so far i havent found one that ive been happy with ...alright i think im done for now but i still have 3andahalf hrs left before im done with work so i might add more later...